Soldier's Revenge Review

MPAA Rating: NR
Released: 1984

Soldier's Revenge (also known by its original title Vengeance of a Soldier) is one of those obscure 80's releases that probably deserves to remain dead and buried. While I do my best to fairly judge lower budget films on their own merits, this pile of sludge deserves no such considerations. Even if I were to incorporate a bell curve and review it against other cinematic crap, Soldier's Revenge would still stink up the joint. Hell, this flick makes my neighborhood middle school plays look like high art!

And if you think this preface adequately describes just how horrendous this movie truly is then let me assure you that you haven't seen anything yet. Read on to the Feature Attraction.

Frank Morgan (John Savage) is a Vietnam veteran that became jaded with the war when he unwillingly took part in some civilian atrocities. Meanwhile back at home his mother kicked the bucket. But don't feel bad for her – getting away from this flick in any manner was a blessing.

Like any good son, Frank returns home to pay respects to his dearly departed mom, but arrives a day late for the funeral. He decides to sell his mom's house, and as he walks through it he starts having some flashbacks of his time in Vietnam. Passe, perhaps, but it's an excuse to give us some action scenes!

During the flashback our buddy Frank parachutes into a forest after his plane has been shot down. The "forest" – I would add – looks pretty similar to my backyard. But I digress… why insult the filming location when there will be plenty more to sink my teeth into?

Frank has parachuted into the middle of a war zone. Battle rages all around him, fake explosion noises are rocking the area, and a whopping two Vietnamese soldiers are stalking him! We never see smoke. We never see any other soldiers. We never see an explosion. We don't see bodies. We're just supposed to believe that it's a pretty serious hot spot since the filming crew is creating cheesy explosion noises of the same quality as I can create with those cheap noisemakers available at novelty gift stores.

The flashback ends – and not a moment too soon I might add. Frank meets up with a stranger named Beatriz (Maria Socas) one evening and joins her for a bite to eat in the town bar. Bad idea, because it seems everyone in the bar wanted to kick his ass as much as I did. My beef was being subjected to this cinematic mess. Their beef was his criticism of the war – they believed he was a traitor.

Anyhow a barroom brawl erupts and Frank kicks the tar out of everyone present. But don't get too excited… the action scenes stunk. If you want to see real guilty-pleasure barroom brawling watch a flick like Roadhouse instead.

Frank flees into the surrounding woods, chased by the mob of angry townsfolk as well as a seriously annoyed sheriff. I think some more action took place in the woods, but I can't say with certainly because I couldn't see a damn thing! I can only guess because I heard bullets flying and rednecks cussing.

The production crew of Soldier's Revenge decided to rely on natural lighting for all their scenes, you see. And perhaps this is fine for scenes that take place in the sunny outdoors, but it's a pretty bad idea for interior shots, forest shots and worse… nighttime shots! Who the hell films a movie in the woods in the dead of night without even so much as a bloody flashlight?

But don't take my word for it – check out this marvel of art yourself by taking a gander at the last picture to the right. Kick ass cinematography, eh?

The pursued Frank and Beatriz eventually make their way to an airport owned by Frank's old friend Gomez (Francisco Cano). There is only one route of escape: a plane owned by Beatriz and her revolutionary friend Ricardo (Edgardo Moreira). But escaping won't be so easy because the plane is surrounded by the sheriff and some cranky townsfolk. To get to the plane, Frank needs a discreet distraction like… say… blowing up half the freaking airport!

Now I thought that method of distraction was overkill, but maybe it was just me because even the airport owner didn't seem terribly concerned. In fact he took the whole "I lost my business in one fell swoop" thing smoother than a joint-smoking hippie, wishing his buddy Frank luck on his journey as his livelihood smoldered around him.

Frank, Beatriz and Ricardo take to the air and fly to a Spanish-speaking South American country in the midst of a rebellion. Frank comes to learn that weapons were being smuggled aboard the plane, and his two partners are actually revolutionaries. Ooops! But no matter, because the war-hating Frank decides to join the rebels the moment the plane touches down without knowing anything about why the battle is being fought. Why? Quite simply, he fell in love with Beatriz in the space of a couple hours. Now I know things typically move fast in movies, but this speed makes soap opera romances look conservative!

If you don't know Spanish you'll miss out on some of the dialogue that takes place in South America, because no translation subtitles were provided during the extensive talks. I'm sure they chose that route for artistic integrity though, because I'd never believe for even a moment they were simply too damn cheap to create even basic subtitles.

I'm not even going to bother with the rest of the plot summary because quite frankly things just aren't going to get any better. They say war is hell, but I assure you watching a sloppily produced war flick like Soldier's Revenge ain't no walk in the park either.

Is there anything positive that I can say about this film? Well, in one of the scenes we get to see Frank drive a truck through a guard shack, though that kinda sucked too. So I guess the answer is no. There is nothing redeemable about this mess.

Soldier's Revenge was so bad that I broke the cardinal rule of film reviewing and hit the fast-forward button during a couple scenes… and even at that hyper pace the film still made me gnash my teeth in boredom and irritation!

As Soldier's Revenge closes a quote is provided to viewers: "The greatest soldiers are those who seek to understand the enemy." – R.G. Raymond

Well, let's hope the same does not hold true for movie critics, because dreg like this is the enemy of any sane critic or viewer. And quite frankly, I have absolutely no desire to understand what the hell the creator of Soldier's Revenge was thinking.

Movie rating: 1 star

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