Night Train To Terror Review

MPAA Rating: R
Released: 1985

I have just finished watching Night Train to Terror, a low-budget 80's horror flick, and I find myself in the uncommon position where I now have to write a review and I have no idea what I should say. No, this isn't a case of writer's block, I assure you… after all, I'm doing a good job wasting space by writing up this fluff, right? Rather, I doubt most viewers would know what the hell to say after witnessing the… err… movie (?) known as Night Train to Terror.

Well, since I can confidently say fans of obscure horror films are unlikely to have seen anything quite like this, I'll give try to scrape something up in the Feature Attraction.

What I have to say tonight may cause you pain. It may disillusion you. It may even make you hate me. – James Hansen

What caught my attention about Night Train to Terror initially was the fact it was an anthology. I have to admit I very much enjoy collections like Creepshow, so when I stumble across other 80's horror films of that nature it's almost a no-brainer that I'll give them a shot.

Man was I stupid.

I could just feel my brain cells packing up shop and heading to a better neighborhood as I watched this flick. In fact if I watch one or two more movies of this ilk, it's quite possible I'll be reduced to a drooling village idiot. Trust me film fans, movies like Night Train to Terror are dangerous to your mental health.

But despite what I said above, I… ummm… kinda enjoyed parts of this film, though whether that is because the film has a unique charm or because I burned away one brain cell too many, I couldn't say.

As the film opens we're subjected to a Flashdance-inspired band performing in the gaudiest of 80's fashion on a train that's speeding towards a horrific accident. Aside from the partying band and dancers on one car, the only other occupants on the train are the creepy conductor, God and Satan. Getting weird, you say? You haven't seen anything yet…

God and Satan are sitting across from each other at a glowing table and debating the fates of some individuals upon their passing. Both look upon instances where a person may have committed horrible crimes or sins and must decide whether they were significant enough to be condemned to Hell, or whether they can be forgiven and go to Heaven. This is where the anthology comes in: each of the three scenarios are what the two must look upon and debate.

Scream Your Head Off

Harry Billings (John Phillip Law) loves booze, fast cars and beautiful women, which he proves during the vignette's opening when he accidentally drives his car and his newly married wife off a cliff into the sea below. Although his wife drowned to death, Harry survived, but rather than wake up in a general hospital he wakes up in the midst of a sanitarium.

While there, he is drugged and hypnotized so that he will seek out beautiful women, knock them out and bring them back to the sanitarium, at which point a psycho orderly named Otto (Richard Moll) straps them to a table, strips them and carves them up. Apparently Otto and his employers make a living by selling body parts to medical schools. I don't know why they only deal with parts belonging to comely women – I suppose it's just a good way to toss in a great deal of gratuitous nudity for horror fans.

Anyhow, eventually Harry snaps out of his haze and becomes determined to free the captive women and seek out revenge against those who are running this hellish institution.

Flashdance Interlude

The band starts playing their maddeningly cheesy song again for no particular reason. God and Satan debate some about the previous case and move on to the next…

Death Wish Club

Gretta Connors (Meredith Haze) is a young musician from a small town that heads to the big city to seek out a career as an actress. While working at a carnival she meets up with George Youngmeyer (J. Martin Sellers), a rich individual that plays upon her desires and makes her a porn actress.

One day Glenn Marshall (Rick Barnes) is partying at his fraternity when he notices one of Gretta's movies. He's instantly smitten and makes it his goal to meet her, which he finally does at a club owned by George Youngmeyer. The two hit it off great and enjoy many romantic liaisons, but Youngmeyer is a very jealous individual and wants to see the two of them pay.

It just so happens that Youngmeyer is the head of a club called the Death Club, where a group of individuals experience the thrills of toying with death by paying Russian-roulette style games. Gretta is also a member, and she introduces this world to Glenn, but after he witnesses just how crazy and dangerous these games are he wants out. Youngmeyer, of course, has other plans…

Flashdance Interlude… Again!

Yep, the gaudily dressed crew starts yet another round of its mind numbing new wave song Dance With Me. The song has nothing to do with the movie, but why let that get in the way? God and Satan debate the previous case, make remarks about the band, and move on to the final case.

Cataclysm

Claire Hansen (Faith Clift) is a devout Catholic and a respected surgeon. Her husband James (Richard Moll) is an author who was written a controversial book entitled God is Dead, a book that his wife doesn't want him to publish.

She has a nightmare about a Nazi who commits atrocious crimes, and soon comes to find out that he lives in America today… and hasn't aged a day. She comes to discover he is actually a demon, and sets out to destroy him. Since this vignette was by far the worst of the three… not much more needs to be said about this one.

Flashdance – The Return

You didn't think the three previous performances of Dance With Me were enough, did you? I hope not, because we're subjected to yet another rendition of the same song before the movie concludes.

The three vignettes were at one time complete movies that have been edited of nearly all content beyond the nudity and gore, so the first two fly by at a breathtaking, and sometimes almost confusing, pace. The third was so dull and prolonged that even its vignette form dragged on.

Somehow it all works, because none of these films are the type I would want to see in their full form anyways, yet in their edited form the first two are oddly interesting. In fact were it not for the horrible final vignette, the quirky film might have scored decently (though by no means great), but placing Cataclysm after the first two intriguing horror tales ultimately ends the movie on a negative note.

Night Train to Terror is a schizophrenic and disjointed movie that will twist your mind worse than LSD. None of it really fits together well, yet it's sooo "out there" that you're almost compelled to watch. It hits that "so bad it's funny" level that many B-movie fans seek.

I cannot recommend this film for any serious moviegoers, but horror fans that enjoy digging up obscure 80's shlock probably owe it to themselves to check this one out.

Movie rating: 4 stars

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