Iron Eagle Review

MPAA Rating: PG-13
Released: 1986

Break out the crackers, dear reader, because we have a whole lot of cheese coming our way in the form of 1986's Iron Eagle… and not the tasty kind B-movie film fans generally love, but rather the rancid kind that assaults all the senses. Hmmm… on second thought perhaps you should reserve those crackers for a good and deserving cheesy film, and allow this tale about a teenager that flies a fighter jet into the Middle East to rescue his imprisoned father to be relegated as an 80's mishap.

Strong words? Perhaps. You be the judge after you read the Feature Presentation…

As Iron Eagle opens, Colonel Ted Masters (Tim Thomerson) is shot down over the Middle East and imprisoned by the leadership of a rogue and unnamed country. I don't mean unnamed during the initial scene either… I mean during the entire film not once is the enemy nation given a name. At least other Cold War films like Rambo gave us the satisfaction of smacking around communist Russians and Vietnamese troops, but not here. Nope. We get to fight some mysterious Arabs. How fun.

So now we're back in America and we're introduced to Doug Masters (Jason Gedrick) and a bunch of his misfit teenage friends. Before young Doug is to discover his father's fate we're subjected to the obligatory "character building" sequence as he races a motorcycle-riding bully in a rickety plane 50 feet from the floor. To prove how "manly" Doug is, the movie indicates to us repeatedly that others have died trying to finish the race through the mountainous regions that Doug is now attempting. Ah, and to make things even more "impressive," Doug's plane engine has been sabotaged so he could… gasp… die if he attempts to finish the race!

By now it's clear that this movie isn't going to be terribly realistic, and you might be saying to yourself that most mindless 80's action flicks aren't… so why the negative tone? A fair question, and one that will be answered as we continue through the review.

Doug discovers that his father has been imprisoned, but the military is being tight-lipped about the details since civilians shouldn't be privy to the sensitive nature of his father's mission. No problem, he'll just ask Colonel Blackburn (Michael Alldredge), a friend of his father, to divulge the confidential information. Without little more than a verbal caution ("I'm going to get my tit in a ringer if the general catches me showing you this stuff, so keep your mouth shut.") Blackburn pulls the boy over to some maps and starts explaining the mission details and politics behind his father's imprisonment.

Perhaps this wouldn't have even been so farfetched if it weren't for the fact that he tells the boy to keep the information sharing confidential, yet he shares the information and points at mission charts in the midst of a room teeming with personnel! I suppose everyone was so busy with their work not to notice a boy among their midst.

Doug isn't satisfied with what he's learned so far… he needs even more confidential information. Luckily his nerdy little buddy named Milo (Robbie Rist) comes to the rescue. He learned about the details surrounding Ted Masters' trial and the resulting lack of military action by eavesdropping outside the door of a meeting held by military top brass.

Is the military finished behaving in such a sloppy manner? Heck no. Next Doug asks another military buddy if he can use the military airplane simulator, and the soldier tells him that he needs to be discreet and keep quiet about it since it's not the same as sneaking him in at night. Again, there are many other military personnel in the room that apparently take no notice of the impropriety, and at least we now know how Doug learned to fly fighter jets.

Having crashed and burned badly during the simulation, the wannabe pilot heads outside and meets up with Colonel Charles "Chappy" Sinclair (Louis Gossett Jr.). Chappy is a rather grumpy member of the air force reserves, but for whatever reason Doug thinks he's the perfect guy to help him hijack two American fighter jets and fly to the Middle East with guns blazing. While even the village idiot would respond to such a ludicrous request with hearty laughter, good ole Chappy agrees provided Doug proves his meddle by arranging for two fully armed F-16's to be ready for them.

Doug calls together a bunch of buddies that dub themselves the Eagles and together they set up a complex series of plans that will enable them to steal confidential documents from a variety of secured locations. Now Doug's buddies aren't super spies, mind you… they are fellow kids! The nerd, the overweight boy, the cute girlfriend… you get the idea.

Milo sneaks into a computer room and hacks the computer. Another buddy arranges for a soldier to allow Doug into a secured area during daylight with no questions asked. A girl purposely spills grape juice on her father's shirt, so he gives her permission to enter a secured area while he cleans his shirt. And to cap it all off, some kids toss firecrackers into a depot barrel, making all of the soldiers scramble and hug the floor as the kids slip into the computer room unnoticed and… yep… hack the computer.

You may be wondering why I'm obsessing about this stupid stuff so much in this review. Well, two reasons really:

There were no less than SEVEN different scenarios where professional military personnel allowed these teens to access classified information with no questions asked. Now far be it from me to complain about realism being exaggerated in a movie, but there comes a certain limit in any non-cartoonish film where it becomes nauseating. Iron Eagle hit this point and then some.
Maybe if this stupidity didn't continue on for over half of the darn movie I could have moved on. Distract me with some firefights and explosions or something.

Chappy has one final meeting with the children the night before the operation to go through a checklist of final preparations, at which time he gets all glassy-eyed and gushes:

Chappy: I want to congratulate you all on some very fine work. You have come a long way in a very short while."

They sure did. Never would I have imagined a film could inflict such pain in such a short time. We're only a bit more than an hour into Iron Eagle and already I feel like gouging my eyes out.

Chappy: "I always said that a person should not be judged by their experience, but by their performance. And yours has been exemplary. I would like to shake everybody's hand; I've never had a finer staff ever. Ever."

Oh, gag me with a spoon. How Gossett managed to say these lines with a straight face is beyond me. Anyhow, despite the fact that Chappy tells Doug, "You ain't ready for s**t, boy" the two start their mission the next morning, flying from California to the Middle East.

Finally… we're on to the action! Some enemy jets attempt to screw with boy wonder and are promptly dispatched. My excitement was dimmed a little though when I noticed splinters and wood flying when the enemy planes exploded. Heck, no wonder America maintains air superiority… apparently other countries manufacture their fighter jets from wood!

The idiocy never stops, of course. Simple bullets from a machine gun blow up control towers and gun emplacements with more effectiveness than nuclear missiles. A hades bomb is dropped on a runway to provide cover for Doug to land and pick up his father. This bomb creates a stream of fire runs across the length of the runway, separating the enemies from the hero and his dad.

Now keep in mind we're in a Middle Eastern desert here, so both sides of the runway consist of nice, unobstructed flat sand… there's no need for the enemy troops to try and run through the fire when they can just run or drive around it. What is obvious to me apparently wasn't to these fellas, because two jeeps try and drive through the fire and blow up. A motorcycle is next up to bat, and apparently he doesn't learn from his buddies' mistakes – he too drives through the fire with fatal results instead of taking a slight detour.

Oh hell, I think we can pretty much conclude this interview now since I think it's clear how ridiculously inane Iron Eagle was from start to finish. It's probably pretty obvious how this type of film ends, but if you want to test your internal fortitude then go ahead and rent or buy this movie to see it for yourself. Just don't say I didn't warn you when your brain starts hurting by being exposed to the plot holes and absurdities.

A critique of the acting isn't even necessary for this review, because the best actor in the world couldn't work with such material. I enjoy escapism as much as anyone else, as evidenced by my reviews of mindless action films such as American Ninja, but this movie stretched believability to such limits that many six-year olds would start shouting "duh" at the director (Sidney J. Furie) responsible for this mess.

As some of you may recall, Iron Eagle was released in the same year as the far superior Top Gun, but the studio honchos decided to quicken the release date from summer to January so that it wouldn't have to compete with Top Gun. On paper that sounds good, but in reality comparing these two movies is like comparing a burger joint with a steakhouse; they may both deal with beef, but they aren't even in the same league!

And while most of Iron Eagle was pretty disturbing, I've saved the scariest thought for last: this monstrosity spawned three sequels!

Movie rating: 3 stars

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