Conquest Review

MPAA Rating: R
Released: 1983

Lucio Fulci developed a cult following for his extremely gory 70's and 80's horror films, but in 1983 he took a whack at the sword-and-sorcery genre with Conquest. Featuring some typical Fulci gore, naked women and a mind-bending atmosphere, Conquest was a movie that a viewer would either love or hate. Read on to see whether you might consider Conquest to be an obscure gem or a cinematic abomination…

I've always enjoyed sword and sorcery flicks, so I was lucky to be a child of the 80's when the genre was fairly popular. The fantasy fad has since died for the most part, but thanks to the convenience of DVDs I can still discover some of the fantasy films I have may have missed in the 80's (mostly the ones my parents wouldn't let me see due to objectionable content!), or re-experience old favorites. Which leads us to Conquest… a movie I recently watched for the first time, and soon thereafter regretted.

To call this a bad film would be too kind. While watching Conquest I wanted to smack my head into a brick wall… hard… to help distract me from the mind-numbing pain the movie was causing. Throughout the film I felt like I was caught up in a hippie's drug-induced nightmare, and as much as my finger twitched on the STOP button of the remote I gnashed my teeth and stuck through it. As a side note, I think I ground away an inch from my teeth by the time the movie was finished.

Why, you might ask, would I watch a movie that could scar my brain permanently? Well, I have this belief that you can't review a film unless you watch the entire thing; to condemn prematurely without judging its entirety would be to do the film a dishonor. Do THIS film a dishonor!? I may have to re-evaluate my normal review standards! But you know, there are people out there that actually enjoy this movie, so I'll try to suppress my ranting and actually talk about Conquest a bit, rather than the distress it caused me.

First let's cover the plot. Wait… what plot? Errr… some old guy gives an effeminate young guy, Ilias (Andrea Occhipinta), a magical bow that can shoot arrows of light. Pretty cool, eh? If I owned a bow that could do that I think I'd be shooting apples off peoples' heads all day long! But not Ilias. Nooo… for some reason he prefers to stick with real arrows, and only uses the nifty abilities when he runs out.

Anyhow, after he's given the bow he's sent out in the world. To do what, you ask? Heck if I know – he wasn't given a mission! Meanwhile, a half-naked evil sorceress with a golden mask and spiked panties, Ocron (Sabrina Siani), has a premonition of a faceless man with a magical bow striking her down, so naturally she sends her henchmen (which consists of werewolves, zombies, humans and "I dunno-what's") out to kill the unknown "hero" before he can kill her.

Ilias meets with a burly warrior named Mace (Jorge Rivero), who wastes no time explaining to Ilias that he hates humans and has no friends. Ilias must be a special kinda guy, then, because Mace befriends him awfully quick! The rest of the film sees the two of them journey to a few places and ultimately go after the sorceress. If my story summary sounds lame to you, don't blame the messenger… this was one of the most slapdash "storylines" I've yet to see in a fantasy flick. And that's saying a lot, considering some of the guilty pleasures out there.

So let's talk about the characters then, shall we? First we have Ilias… oh hell, let's just skip Ilias. He was the most pathetic, sissy would-be hero I've ever seen on film. I'd rather watch paint dry than observe his adventures.

Next we have his buddy Mace, who in his own ways was actually an interesting fellow to watch. Allow me to share with you some of the tidbits of profound knowledge he shared in the film.

Mace on Animals

While Mace is practicing with Ilias' bow he decides to shoot a hunter returning to his home with his prey. Why? Because he's hungry - you didn't think all heroes were nice guys, did you? So they cook up the animal and as they're eating they have the following exchange:

Mace: When a man meets a man, you never know which one will die. But when a man meets an animal, it's always the animal that dies. I'm on the animal's side.
Ilias: Isn't this an animal you're eating?
Mace: I didn't kill him.

(Oh, a bit later in the film the two of them set out to hunt for some food of their own. With allies like him…)

Mace on Relationships

Ilias: Is she your woman?
Mace: She is anytime I pass by. You can have her too if you'd like.
Ilias: No, that's okay.
Mace: Well, take her sister then!

Mace on Life

Ilias: Innocent men, women and children were slaughtered because of us!
Mace: Everybody dies sooner or later.

Mace on Snakes

Mace: He's harmless if he doesn't bite you.

Okay, that's enough about Mace. To witness more of the knowledge he would like to share, you'll have to watch the film. Next up… the sorceress!

We already covered her questionable apparel earlier, though I have to admit she did have a pretty darn nice build. I guess if I looked like her I might prance around naked too… well, that is if those pesky public indecency laws didn't exist.

Instead, let's talk about her interests. Obviously she enjoys terrorizing peasants and assassinating heroes, but then again what evil sorceress doesn't? Let's see… what else. Oh yes, she also likes snakes! I mean… reaaaallly likes snakes. When she has her premonitions she lies on the floor and rubs a huge snake all over her unclad body in suggestive ways. That's one school of magic I never witnessed before, but what the heck – it meets the gratuitous nudity standard that many low-budget fantasy flicks require.

Next let's touch upon the cinematography… it sucked! Oh yes, I know, that's not a very professional word to use in a review, but professionalism was tossed out the window before this review ever began. But so I fulfill my duties as a reviewer I'll try and clarify my stance a bit.

First, we have the fog. It's all over the place! It's foggy in the day, it's foggy in the night, it's foggy outside, it's foggy inside caves, and it's even foggy inside a fortress! You can lock one hundred chain smokers in a cramped closet and have them puff away for hours and the closet still wouldn't be as hazy as this darn film was. Someone forgot to tell Fulci that it's difficult to enjoy gratuitous nudity and violence when you're having difficulty seeing any of it through the haze.

Some viewers have praised some of the beautiful sets and shots, and I'll grant you that many are indeed very attractive. That is… if you can get over the blanket of fog! Some of the artsy types would point out that the fog lends the film added beauty and atmosphere. Well, if you're into experimental artsy looking cinematography, you may enjoy it. Conquest does possess a surreal "what kinda mushroom did I just eat?" beauty to it. Personally, the only thing it lent me was a headache.

The audio for Conquest didn't fare much better. First we have the soundtrack, which consisted of some psychedelic electronic rock type of noise… just the thing I do not want to hear when trying to absorb myself in a fantasy film. It was like I was transported back to the 70's and forced to listen to a cheap knock-off of Grateful Dead.

Oh, but the pain doesn't end there. Did you know that when you club someone over the head the strike will actually take half the victim's skull off and expose his brains? Neither did I – guess it's true when they say you learn something new everyday. So be careful about letting your kids swing Whiffle Bats at each other, parents!

Good old Lucio Fulci really wanted to emphasize the decapitations and stabbings throughout the film too, as whenever someone is wounded the flowing blood makes a sound like a gushing faucet!

Okay, look… I've kicked this dead horse long enough. I actually like some cheap fantasy films, and I also like some of Lucio Fulci's work, but this one stunk worse than last week's garbage. Some Fulci and low-budget fantasy fans were able to get into the stoner sense of beauty and the pointless nudity and gore that this film offered, so if you are into either it's actually worth a rental… you may enjoy it! And if you don't, well, you'll have witnessed a film so bad that the directors should have given you an "I survived Conquest and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt.

Movie rating: 1 star

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