Barbarian Queen Review

MPAA Rating: R
Released: 1985

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to review Barbarian Queen, a cheap 80's sword-and-sandal flick featuring naked women, atrocious acting, topless women, fight scenes that ranged from adequate to poor, scantily-clad women, a horrible script and… hrmm… did I already mention naked women? Perhaps 80's Reborn was focusing too much on quality films and needed an injection of sleaze for the cheap B-movie fans. Or perhaps sometimes a bad film is comparable to an accident on the side of the road: you don't really want to see it, and you know you shouldn't, but somehow it compels you to take a look anyways.

Well fantasy fans, if you're looking for ample nudity, bloody violence and a posse of daft bimbos taking on the roles of heroines, look no further than our review in the Feature Attraction. The review might not be much, but I can guarantee it'll be better than Barbarian Queen was!

The first scene that Barbarian Queen presents to us gives us a good indication of which direction this film is going to go. An attractive blonde named Taramis (Dawn Dunlap) is kneeling aside a peaceful creek picking some flowers. As she stands up and makes her way back towards her village she inadvertently steps into a trap laid out by a band of randy men. Giggling like arsonists in the center of a burning building, the men decide to lay claim to some of her clothing.

After a gratuitous breast shot the scene ends and the opening credits begin. A nice assortment of joyous scenes is displayed, showing a village preparing for the wedding of Amethea (Lana Clarkson) and Argan (Frank Zagarino). Most of the quick shots are normal enough, but before you are able to let your guard down completely you're shown a man and his girlfriend in their shack adorning themselves. He dips his hand into some ink to decorate her face, but she bashfully pulls away. Ahhh… maybe she's just a sweet and shy girl? Well… no, because he then nudges her halter down and adorns her nipple with the ink instead as she giggles delightedly. Apparently he was just aiming for the wrong location the first time!

Before the film can be accused of being a soft-core porn flick that you might catch on late night Cinemax, the story… or what little that constitutes a story anyways… proceeds. The wedding is interrupted by an army led by the tyrannical Arrakur (Arman Chapman), during which time the men of the village are carted away for use as gladiators.

Meanwhile the remaining women, led by Amethea, fight the soldiers like wildcats and actually win. Unfortunately their victory isn't really a reflection of their weapon prowess, because the enemy army had a rather dubious habit of dropping their guard to try and rape women in the midst of an active battlefield. Naturally before they could get anywhere a sword would find its way into their unprotected back.

Needless to say Amethea is a bit cranky about the kidnapping of her future spouse, not to mention her flower-picking sister Taramis. It doesn't take her much time to come up with a solution:

Amethea: I'll be no man's slave and no man's whore, and if I can't kill them all then by the gods they'll know I've tried.

You go girl! Together with the two other female survivors Amethea sets out to rescue her loved ones and bring down the evil Arrakur. More gratuitous breast shots later, the threesome finds their way into Arrakur's city, thanks to the aid of some friendly rebels. Unfortunately they get caught, which leads to one of the most twisted "torture" sequences in cinematic history!

Arrakur wishes to know the location of the rebels, so he sends Amethea to his torturer so he can make her talk. He's an eccentric little fellow with thick glasses and a fascination for science, but it's his torture rack that's truly warped. The general idea is that anytime she moves it will cause her immense pain, even though her limbs aren't actually stretched like a normal rack would dictate. Suspended from the ceiling is a metal hand with a finger pointed downwards, and coincidentally enough its tip just happens to brush constantly across her unclad breast, making her squirm. I suspect some S&M folks would find that erotic rather than torturous.

Anyhow, I don't know who the heck thought this stuff up, but I hope they received the psychiatric help they clearly needed upon conclusion of this film. For that matter the actors that agreed to partake in this crapfest probably could use a couple sessions with the shrink too. Heck, maybe I should schedule an appointment for having watched and reviewed Barbarian Queen.

Look folks, it really doesn't get any better as the movie goes on, so there's really no need to take the plot summary to the end. If you secretly enjoy cheap fantasy B-movies like Deathstalker and The Warrior and the Sorceress then the mindless T&A and violence that Barbarian Queen offers might be right up your alley. Myself, I think I'd rather jump on the aforementioned torture rack before watching this film again, metal finger and all.

Movie rating: 2 stars

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