Barbarian Queen 2 Review

MPAA Rating: R
Released: 1989

Unclad women, mud wrestling, torture racks and atrocious acting. No, it's not a twisted porno, but perhaps it's the next best thing… it's Barbarian Queen 2! This was the sequel to the first trashy sword-and-sandals flick of the same name, though the storyline had nothing to do with the original – Barbarian Queen 2 was a sequel in name only.

Plot certainly isn't important in a movie of this ilk, but in a nutshell an evil brother usurps the throne and it's up to his sister and a gang of women warriors to reclaim the throne and bring peace to the world. Learn more about this celluloid trash that many of you just know you'll have to watch despite your best judgement in our Feature Attraction.

It dawned on me the other day that I've gone through several reviews without inserting many barbs or jeers into the mix. Although some of the films I've reviewed lately were average, none were stinkers deserving of my mockery.

That just wouldn't do!

I decided I needed to find a film that was so reprehensibly bad that any form of responsible critiquing would fly right out the window. This movie needed to be a REAL stinker. But where could I find such a movie? Ah, the dilemma's of a movie reviewer. <sigh>

But then a startling bolt of divine inspiration struck me… I remembered that Barbarian Queen, one of the most atrociously bad, nudity-filled fantasy B-movies ever created, actually had a sequel. Surely a review of the sequel would do the trick, right? So I popped in the DVD and soon smiled to myself. Not because the movie was good, mind you, but rather because I found exactly what I was looking for: a B-movie without any shred of redemption.

Lana Clarkson, every cheap B-movie fan's favorite voluptuous vixen, returns in the sequel to show off her wares time and time again. In Barbarian Queen 2 she plays Princess Athalia, a women that harbors a family secret that can be used to unlock a magical scepter. Her evil brother, Ankaris (Alejandro Bracho), wants to use the scepter for his own ill intentions, but she refuses to cooperate. As such, she's thrown in prison.

On the day of her execution she makes a daring escape out of the city into the wilderness, and here it's where Barbarian Queen 2 starts showing its no-budget nature. There is some swordplay during the escape, of course, but the fight scenes are so inept it's absolutely painful to watch. In addition it's painfully clear that the swords are not truly metal blades. The blades are about as thick as those plastic toy pirate swords they sell for kids! But this little detail doesn't stop the director (Joe Finley) from doing his job. In fact, he almost brags about it by showing several close-ups of the weapons so we can see just how fake they are!

Don't think for a minute that the action itself is any better. We've all seen the "stick a sword between our armpit and chest to give the illusion of being pierced" trick before, right? Well, in Barbarian Queen 2 they don't even bother with that! Blades don't even have to come near their intended target for the victim to fall to the floor dead. Woohoo!

Oh, but it gets worse. The whole city (consisting of maybe two dozen civilians likely pulled right off the street) is in an uproar as Athalia makes her escape. She has slaughtered many guards, stolen a horse and charges towards the open gate where more guards are standing vigilant at each side of the arch. Do they try to intercept her? You'd think so… but no. She rides right through without the guards even blinking or looking in her direction. And here I thought the first Barbarian Queen was hopelessly bad!

Anyhow, Athalia escapes to an Amazonian village and is confronted by the female warriors' leader, a toughened women named Erigena (Orietta Aguilar). When the verbal exchange becomes rather heated, it becomes evident that there's only one way to settle the dispute: a mud wrestling match with ripped bodices and all!

Okay, look, I don't think it's even necessary to detail any more of the movie's plot, because it's obvious what Barbarian Queen 2 is by now: one of the cheapest fantasy B-movies ever put to screen. You'll get plenty of nudity, another torture rack sequence, horribly choreographed fight scenes, laughable special effects and grimace-inducing acting.

So why did I decide to watch and review this film, knowing it would likely be this bad? It's hard to say. Perhaps I needed to test my constitution to demonstrate my manliness. Or perhaps my subconscious was telling me that I should be punished for an offense I might have committed recently.

Anyhow, if, like me, you feel like punishing yourself someday, I can assure you that forcing yourself to watch Barbarian Queen 2 is about as severe a punishment as they come. I'm not sure even Charles Manson would deserve this much punishment.

Movie rating: 2 stars

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